Fighting the tofu revisited

Back in February 2008, I was fighting the tofu.  Then knitting and spinning were fighting it out in my head and I'd lost my interest in both.  I spent most of 2012 engaged in a similar fight.

But this past year was different than 2008.  The 2008 tofu fight was insignificant compared to 2012.  I lost my job in January as the result of a merger.  The business side of my brain completely understood that the acquiring firm would keep their own people.  I worked for the acquired firm.  I was offered the option of staying on with the acquiring firm for an additional month to assist with the transition.  I accepted the option because it meant a larger severance package. 

This is where my head started fighting the tofu.  The "rational" side understanding that being laid off was a business decision and had nothing to do with me per se.  The emotional side taking it all very personally, feeling very kicked to the curb.  Soon enough the rational side stopped talking and the emotional side took over completely by fighting itself.  I, for whatever reason, stayed on the rough, jagged edge and went for a wild ride, pulling myself--and sometimes others--down the rabbit hole of despair.  Just about everything was painful.  And I wallowed in it, rarely bothering to peek over the top to see that maybe, just maybe, there were pleasant things outside of my hole.

This, of course, made looking for a job difficult and the tight job market didn't help matters.  I've worked professionally in a niche market for a very long time.  For too long, I defined myself by that role.  So what am I now?

If I follow Natalie Goldberg's advice about fighting the tofu, I need to go deep and discover what I really am beyond the narrow view of who I was professionally.  So I'll start here.

I am (among many things)

• creative
• a mother
• a knitter
• a spinner
• a girlfriend
• a cyclist
• educated
• intelligent
• curious about the world and other cultures
• a pretty good cook
• an avid reader
• a survivor

Oh, and I am a librarian.

Fighting Tofu

I have been in an ambivalent frame of mind when it comes to knitting. As Natalie Goldberg writes in Writing Down the Bones, I was fighting the tofu. Fighting the tofu gets you nowhere.

The conversation in my head goes something like this:
"I want to spin."
"You need to finish knitting Caitlin's sweater."
"I'll knit later; after I've spun for a little while."
"You'll knit right now!"

So while my head talks to itself, nothing gets done. I don't spin nor do I knit. Goldberg goes on to say "If those characters in you want to fight, let them fight. Meanwhile, the sane part of you should quietly get up, go over to your notebook, and begin to write from a deeper, more peaceful place." So for the past couple of evenings, I've let my head fight it out while I picked up my needles and knit. I don't have pictures yet. The knitting is easy; I can do it without looking. And, after awhile my head stops fighting and begins to enjoy the creative process.

This sweater which has taunted me since the end of January is practically knitting itself because I've stopped resisting the process. I've got my knitting mojo back. It's not come back in a blaze of fire. It's just back and I've stopped looking for reasons not to knit. I didn't really do anything special to get my mojo back. For the first time in a very long time, I let my life take its course and did what felt right.

If spinning felt right, that was fine. I spun. I even thought about the sweater, but I always brought myself back to what I was doing at that moment. I just took note of the command to get knitting and filed it away. I kept spinning.

A few days ago, I picked up the sweater thinking I would knit a few rounds. And those few rounds became a few more. Tuesday night while knitting at a friend's house, I enjoyed the conversation and let my fingers feel the knitting. When I got home I was surprised to see that I had knit about 3 more inches of the body.

Yesterday, I was reading Goldberg and came across the phrase "fighting the tofu." It seemed to perfectly describe what I've been going through with knitting. Now, mind you, I've read this book a few times and this never jumped out at me before. I really like it.

And, I'm going to stop fighting the tofu.

Oh, and this is what I've spun when I haven't been knitting.